


I Can't (Say Anything...)

by SEpupppupp (ForNought)



Series: morning meal association [2]
Category: PRISTIN (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, F/F, Kyungwon is a minimum wage peon, Siyeon's only defining characteristic is that she's about to graduate, background roa/rena, cameos from 3/4 fear team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 15:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15997976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForNought/pseuds/SEpupppupp
Summary: Kyungwon isn't good at anything so she isn't sure why she isn't good at talking to girls (or one girl in particular)





	I Can't (Say Anything...)

 

Kyungwon first notices when Siyeon introduces herself (“Hello, it is nice to meet you. My name is Park Siyeon,” perfectly polite as her head dips and then she lifts her face to show gleaming white rows of straight teeth.) but doesn't mention anything until she is completely at a loss for what she should do next. She had hoped for more than a direct confirmation when asking whether Siyeon really was a high school student, so when all she gets is a subdued “yes” and averted eyes, Kyungwon doesn't have much else besides her own fraying nerves. 

Park Siyeon has long dark hair which sparkles under the light. Or perhaps Kyungwon is developing a migraine and the glittering in her vision is due to her stress stealing her sight away. Kyungwon sips her cup of water and wonders when the waitress will return with the drinks they ordered. Siyeon is pretty, she thinks, much prettier than Kyungwon was at that age, but prettiness isn't doing much to relieve the awkwardness that is stuffing Kyungwon's throat and making her wrists itch. 

After meeting online on a microblogging platform which encourages over sharing from its user base, Kyungwon would assume some details must have been mentioned once or twice. She struggles to resist the urge to whip out her phone and demand to know where the hints of Siyeon’s age were in the dull and vague tweets about her life. But Kyungwon already knows that Siyeon has never actually claimed to be older. It is all presumption on Kyungwon's part and now she must live with the fact that she is on a date with a high school student who even had the gall to turn up in her uniform. 

Kyungwon isn't a creep. She wonders whether Siyeon is dressed in her school uniform on purpose or if it is an unfortunate side effect of concentrating too hard on her education. Kyungwon hopes for the latter because the former suggests Kyungwon has previously said something strange enough to be construed as a penchant for short skirts, pubescent girls, and classroom fantasies. It is simply not the case and Kyungwon would like to inform the universe that she is a grown-up who enjoys the company of other grown-ups. She is entirely uninterested in any callbacks to her period of trembling timidity and stalwart denials that she has ever even been curious about the snatches of skin she spied while her classmates changed for P.E.. Yet the girl she arranged to meet at 4:30 on a Wednesday afternoon (on a date, though neither of them explicitly confirmed it as such) is wearing an all too familiar uniform. 

Kyungwon wishes that Siyeon could at least have been a student at any other school. But it is not the case and she must make do with pretending the uniform into oblivion. Kyungwon has never even attended high school. In fact, she was never even a bumbling and shy teenager who suffered from embarrassing flashbacks every time she managed to crack her mouth open! Kyungwon burst into the world fully formed as a bumbling adult who could hold a decent conversation. Usually. This is a glaring exception to the rule and Kyungwon wonders what she did to deserve such cruel and unusual punishment. 

The waitress returning with their drinks, smiling as she sings their orders back to them and deposits their glasses on the table (iced americano with plenty of sugar for Kyungwon and a black tea for Siyeon), is a welcome distraction from the horrors of unwittingly joining the ranks of thieves and murders. Kyungwon is glad to have someone else to talk to who won't get her thrown into prison and added to a register because of an honest mistake. 

“Is there anything else I can get for you?” the waitress asks sunnily as she hugs her tray to her chest. 

An escape route and maybe your number would be nice, Kyungwon thinks as she stiffly returns the smile. 

“No thank you,” Siyeon says, her voice serenely calm. At least some people have nothing at all to worry about aside from exams that decide their whole future. Kyungwon used to be that naive until discovering how dangerous and life changing befriending someone on the Internet could be. Siyeon tucks her hair behind her ear delicately and adds, “you have been very helpful today. thanks for treating us so kindly.”

The waitress giggles bashfully and thanks Siyeon for the compliment. Kyungwon wonders whether Siyeon’s game is to trap people in a flighty flirtation before they realise how young she is and have to emigrate to avoid the fate they bring upon themselves by talking to her. Or perhaps Kyungwon is just desperate and lonely and assumes every flash of friendliness to be flirting. 

Despite Kyungwon's deep and sincere wishes to leave as soon as possible and repent for this mistake, she can't help but notice again what she had heard before. 

“You have a lisp,” Kyungwon points out. 

Siyeon’s eyes widen a fraction and her fingertips flutter nervously at her lips for a fraction. She presses her mouth into a thin line as she nods. “I do have a lisp,” she confirms. “I am trying to get rid of it. Is it quite bad?”

“Not at all. It's really cute.”

Kyungwon has nobody to blame but herself.

 

The first thing Kyungwon does when she gets home is knock on the bedroom door adjacent to hers. She presses her ear against the wood and listens very carefully. After a moment she decides that she probably hears a warm invitation into the room and lets herself in. 

Jonghyun flinches and he whirls around in his fancy gaming chair to look at her, eyes boggling and headset askew. Jonghyun is a nice person to have as a neighbour despite his intensive gaming schedule; he is never loud and his door is almost always open to Kyungwon and their other housemates. He never does anything inconsiderate like leaving dirty plates and cutlery lying around the kitchen, or eating other people's carefully labelled food, or bursting into rooms uninvited or taking late-night showers and loudly slipping over and screaming about how they barely escaped breaking their neck. 

“Jonghyun,” Kyungwon says softly, because she knows that Jonghyun is a bit shy and very easy to startle. He still finches anyway even though she has already frightened him but Kyungwon supposes some habits are hard to break. 

Even though Jonghyun’s game is still in play, he swivels his seat to more comfortably face Kyungwon with a soft smile and gestures for her to sit down on his bed. 

“What’s the matter, Kyungwon?”

Kyungwon doesn’t know how to start. She knew from the moment she left the cafe that Jonghyun would need to hear what happened, but now she is stuck. She decides to crawl underneath the covers and Jonghyun makes a face but he doesn’t say anything. He patiently waits for her to tell him why she is here.

Jonghyun is too kind and patient. Kyungwon partially wishes he would tell her to get out of his bed and his room and stop disturbing him, but it wouldn’t change the fact that she needs to talk about this. Not everyone has friends as kind and patient as Jonghyun and maybe they must suffer through their troubles alone. Kyungwon isn’t the type to look a gift horse in the mouth. She simply takes a bit too long to build up her courage. 

She rolls onto her side and curls her knees up to her chest as she looks up at Jonghyun’s careful smile. She says, “I think I am doing something bad. Or I’ve already done something bad.”

“What is it?” Jonghyun asks. His voice is still gentle but Kyungwon hears the concern creeping in.

“I went on a date with a high schooler today,” Kyungwon says quickly. It is just like ripping off a plaster but nothing about the situation has healed and rather than feeling relieved about the confession she has only reminded herself what happened earlier. 

“Why would you do that?” Jonghyun asks. Even worse, he even rolls towards her in his chair which means his mind is already supplying him with a catastrophic prophecy of the future. Kyungwon wants something nicer than that, like Jonghyun shrugging and telling Kyungwon to stop making a fuss. Jonghyun has high morals so he would never respond as easily as that, but Kyungwon came here to be comforted rather than to have her worst fears affirmed. 

“I didn’t know how old she was. She never told me,” Kyungwon grumbles. She tries to curl into a tighter ball but Jonghyun is prising her hands from her face, his own expression stricken. 

“Did you do anything?” Jonghyun asks.

“Of course not. She was wearing her school uniform and everything!”

“Isn't that entrapment?” Jonghyun asks. “If she was trying to get you into trouble it isn't your fault, Kyungwon. You're just a victim here.” 

Despite the panic, Kyungwon is glad that Jonghyun is such a vocal supporter of her innocence. She smiles up at him and wonders how many more times she will be able to gaze upon this angel. 

“Does this mean I can count on you to be a character witness when I have to appear in court?”

Jonghyun’s beautiful, seraphic face frowns down at Kyungwon and he grasps her wrists tightly. “Kyungwon, what did you do?”

“Nothing!” She insists. “We just drank coffee and had the most awkward smalltalk ever. I just think that despite her age she is quite pretty.”

“Kyungwon,” Jonghyun says. his tone is tight and sounds much like it does when he has been told by one of the other managers at work that he needs to tell someone off. Kyungwon doesn't like hearing that voice directed her way but she also knows that she deserves to hear it. 

“I know, I am terrible,” she grumbles. “I should never see her again and move on to someone more age appropriate. Minkyung and Yaebin are going to have a field day.”

Jonghyun closes his mouth against whatever he was going to say. Maybe Kyungwon is being unfair by appealing to him with her heartbreak and loneliness. 

She had immediately clicked with Siyeon when they first started speaking weeks ago. They had bonded after an unsolicited reply to one of Kyungwon’s sad and lonely tweets about love being hopeless and Siyeon had sagely informed her that the love of friends is more valuable than romance. In spite of Siyeon’s wisdom Kyungwon hadn't been able to stop considering romance with a person who kindly reassured her that just because she felt useless and isolated while watching two of her friends settle down it didn't mean she was doomed to a lifetime of solitude. 

Jonghyun, because he had been the poor soul volunteered to show Kyungwon around the house before she moved in, had seen her in her snottiest and most tearful state. It was unfortunate that Minkyung and Yaebin had taken Kyungwon out to lunch to clobber her over the head with their fresh and exciting new relationship just hours before she would be viewing a flat on her second step to independence. Kyungwon recalls that she didn't see much of the flat that day and instead Jonghyun had spent the afternoon plying Kyungwon with tissues and offering chocolate (which later transpired to be from Taemin’s emergency supply and resulted in him never forgiving her). 

Even now Kyungwon considers The Relationship that Never Was a sore spot but that doesn't mean she won't exploit it at times like this. 

But maybe she isn't exploiting her own emotional pain well enough. 

“I know that you are still hurt from before but you shouldn't use that as an excuse to go after vulnerable people.”

That isn't what Jonghyun is supposed to say at all. He is supposed to remember how hurt Kyungwon is over her failed romantic endeavours and try to make her feel better about being tricked into going on a date with a very pretty girl who might not even understand why Kyungwon feels so betrayed. 

“I'm vulnerable too.”

“That's different,” Jonghyun sighs. Kyungwon doesn't want to hear that so she burrows further beneath Jonghyun's covers. She knew before she got here that she wasn't going to be told anything good. She came to Jonghyun because she knew he had a sound moral compass and would deter her from pursuing anything further with this girl that she shouldn't have liked in the first place. She came here to get told off and have some sense knocked into her head but that doesn't mean she likes getting what she wants. 

“Promise me you'll be careful,” Jonghyun says. “It would be nice if you could still be friends.”

Kyungwon murmurs an agreement and decides to go and mope in her own bed for a while. 

 

 

One of the things Kyungwon likes most about her job is that when it is busy it is hard to think of anything in her personal life (such as accidentally meeting too-young girls for dates) and when it is quiet it is very easy for her to find somewhere to hide. The problem with being a habitual slacker is that when Jonghyun approaches her on shift and very kindly asks her to do a task which she should know how to do she is reluctant to say yes. But she does say yes because Jonghyun has promised to stay on her side if she gets arrested for this awful mistake so she should repay him somehow. 

Kyungwon deeply regrets agreeing to make popcorn because she has never done it on her own before and she, like many of her other coworkers, forged her training forms. She had muddled her way through switching the machines on and she was pleased when the kettles roared with kernels popping and flowing out into the cooling tray. But that batch of popcorn was going to be thrown in the bin anyway so it wouldn't have mattered if she burnt it. 

Kyungwon keeps fit so she manages to tip the huge weighted kettles to empty them but the sound of the popcorn exploding against the stainless steel panics her as she fills the other kettle with corn kernels. It was just a moment ago that she filled that one and she isn't even sure she poured salt over the slowly rotating kernels and it is far too soon for the popcorn to be ready. She decides to damage off that batch of popcorn too but already it is flowing over the popcorn which definitely had salt added to before it was popped so she doesn't know how she will separate them. 

She is very sweaty and harried, arms littered with red marks where unpopped kernels (sharp with salt and burning with 220°C oil) ricocheted out of the kettles and landed on her, when Chanhee comes to find her what must be several hours later. 

He pokes his head around the corner and frowns. “Have you burnt it?”

Kyungwon is going through a very emotional time as the popcorn piles up in front of her and she is sweltering and injured and she wants to go home and stop stinking of oil. She can hopes she can be forgiven for crying. 

“What have I burnt?” She asks. The popcorn is mostly fluffy and white with a few greyish clumps that she has mostly been ignoring as she gets more tired and wrestling her way through the huge stacks of popcorn sacks she has accumulated is getting difficult. She could smell something all along but she doesn’t pop often and she had assumed it was the usual way things went just like the stinging of her eyes as the air thickened around her. 

Chanhee doesn’t answer for a moment and rubs her arms sympathetically as he moves her out of the way. He works silently, bagging up the popcorn and writing Kyungon’s name on the bags as well as the date the popcorn should be used by. Even with Kyungwon dithering and sniffling pathetically Chanhee removes the sacks of popcorn and stacks them on the palettes at the bottom of the steps and clears the area quickly. Once the area clears he sweeps up the spilt popcorn crumbs that were crushed beneath Kyungwon’s feet as she panicked and he does it expertly and removes everything from between the embossed pill-shapes on the steel floor. When everything is tidy and Chanhee has regained control and there is only one manageable bag of popcorn in play at a time he stops and looks at the wall before turning pitiful eyes on Kyungwon. 

“You didn’t even turn on the extractor fan. You’re a bit of a mess, aren’t you,” Chanhee says. Kyungwon whines and Chanhee pulls her into a hug. 

Chanhee is younger than Kyungwon but he seems to be a lot more together than she is. She tries to make herself feel better about this by reminding herself that Chanhee has worked here for two months longer than she has and this is only her first job. Thinking about that doesn't make Kyungwon feel better at all. 

How could this be her first job? She is sure she only got an interview here because Jonghyun had lied to the recruitment manager and said that she had some redeeming features and should be given a chance. Kyungwon has no redeeming features at all and it is a shame that poor Chanhee must learn this with Kyungwon snotting all over his shoulder. 

Chanhee has lots of redeeming features - though the only thing he needs to be redeemed from is how short he can be with people. Generally people, and very often Kyungwon, deserve to be treated with thinly veiled disdain so there isn't anything especially mean about Chanhee - and he even sets Kyungwon down on a little stool and assures her that if she stays out of sight of the customers that she is technically allowed to “taste” the popcorn as it is made. He is fetches her a small polystyrene cup of water and returns to continue the cycle of popping. 

Kyungwon thinks that Chanhee is probably one of the best people she knows. He has the brusqueness which Jonghyun lacks so she thinks she could very easily accept her status as an idiot who deserves telling off if it is from him (rather than an innocent baby who the world is out to get). Chanhee is sensible and Kyungwon admires him for how well put together he is. 

She needs some advice and there isn't anyone better. 

“Have you ever dated someone younger than you?” Kyungwon asks feebly as she wipes popcorn crumbs from the corners of her mouth. 

Chanhee stills just as he is pouring a measure of corn into the kettle and peers curiously at Kyungwon. After a second he whirs back into action, tipping in a measure of salt and then pushing the button to dispense oil into the kettle. And then he jabs the button again and again and huffs as he turns to Kyungwon. 

“We're not friends like that, you idiot. I am switching the heat off this one while I fetch another drum of oil. Check the agitator is still going and keep popping and bagging up from that other kettle until I get back.”

Kyungwon stands up slowly and uselessly scoops her way through the popcorn, trying to emulate the ease Chanhee had with the task. She didn't manage to get any advice but she supposes Chanhee is right about her being an idiot. 

 

 

Kyungwon realises that there are still some parts of people she admires which will always let her down. Chanhee looks like and angel and he acts rather angelic too yet he keeps company with very unangellic people. 

Kyungwon doesn’t have much against Kim Younghoon aside from the fact that she hates him for lots of small and petty reasons. She had assumed she could go on in her life without encountering too many problems from her past but a very tall one is directly in front of her when she looks up from wrestling bin bags two days after the popcorn debacle. 

“Oh, Kyungwon. It’s you,” Younghoon says while sipping from his large drink. 

“It has been a while,” Kyungwon says. It unfortunately hasn’t been long enough no matter how much time has elapsed since graduating from school. Younghoon looks unconcerned with the current situation and the length of time since their last meeting and he sucks on his straw while staring at Kyungwon. It is more unnerving than Kyungwon would like to admit. “Do you need something?”

“Not really. I am just killing time until Chanhee finishes his shift.”

Chanhee is on the same shift as Kyungwon and she knows for a fact that they both have an agonising three hours left to go. Younghoon has quite the wait ahead of him but he must still be as patient as he always has been because he looks entirely unconcerned. Kyungwon can't relate. 

Younghoon nudges one of the bin bags unfurling around Kyungwon’s ankles with the toe of his bright white trainer. Unfortunately the bag doesn't burst all over his shoes and leave him with soggy feet. He is at leisure to say, “Do you need any help with that?”

Kyungwon does need help but she isn't going to admit as much when she isn't allowed to ask for help. Not that she would want to give Younghoon the satisfaction of helping her. She says, “I'm fine.”

Younghoon shrugs. 

“Do you still see Minkyung?”

Kyungwon can't do anything about this question when she has been expecting it all along. 

“Yeah. We're still friends.”

“Just friends?”

“Yeah. Just friends.”

Younghoon eyes widen as he chews the end of his straw. He hesitates for a moment and conveniently waits until Kyungwon has gathered all the bin bags in her hands before he finally speaks. “Is she not… like that?”

“Wouldn't you know better than I?”

Younghoon shrugs and chews on his straw restlessly as he watches her frown up at him. 

“I need to get back to work,” Kyungwon says. She doesn't make it far before Younghoon calls after her. 

“You're like that though, aren't you? I already know that you are. Even if Minkyung isn't for you there's another girl out there.”

“Can you shut up. Please.”

“If you need to talk about anything we could catch up.”

Kyungwon doesn't understand why Younghoon looks so hopeful about this prospective meeting. He must really want to get back in contact with Minkyung. Kyungwon isn't going to be the bridge to reunite them so they can ignore her all over again. 

“We're not friends, Younghoon.”

“We could be.”

“Well we're not,” Kyungwon says again as she drags the soggy bin bags after her. 

 

“Younghoon asked about you, you know,” Kyungwon says when she is sitting cross-legged on the floor of Minkyung’s flat. Kyungwon has been a bit scared of sitting on the actual furniture since Minkyung’s stone-faced roommate politely asked for Kyungwon to not put her feet on the settee. Yaebin has no such fears and is curled up in one of the corners while eating a bag of crisps. 

“Who is Younghoon?” Yaebin asks as she crunches loudly on a crisp. 

“Minkyung’s ex-boyfriend,” Kyungwon replies. Yaebin makes a small ‘O’ with her mouth but Minkyung looks far more bothered by such an identification. 

“It wasn't serious.”

Odd. It was serious enough for Minkyung to ditch Kyungwon at every opportunity. Serious must mean different things to the both of them. Perhaps it even means something different to Yaebin too. 

“I think he wants to get back in contact with you,” Kyungwon says, because she had a reason for broaching the subject which wasn't a petty attempt to stir trouble with a happy couple. “He seemed really insistent about it when he caught me at work.”

“I can understand why,” Yaebin notes sagely. “She's really special.”

Minkyung wrinkles her nose. She can pretend all she wants that she doesn't want to hear compliments like that but Kyungwon can easily see the blush she is hiding as she plays with her fringe. 

“It has been too long now. I don't think we could be friends,” Minkyung says eventually. 

“Why not?” Yaebin asks. She's a sweet girl but maybe Kyungwon hates her a little. She is so overly confident about everything and it isn't fair how easily she has been able to get so close to both Kyungwon and Minkyung, nothing at all innocent about her flirtation as she got close enough to pin fleeting kisses on cheeks which left more permanent blushes on Kyungwon’s face which she swears she can feel even now. 

“He's a difficult person to be friends with,” Kyungwon says. Yaebin frowns into her packet of crumbs and glances up at Kyungwon. 

“What's wrong with him?”

Kyungwon supposes there isn't much wrong with him aside from the fact that he managed to remain at Minkyung’s side for much too long. She knows she is only bitter about how long it took for him to disappear from Minkyung’s orbit no matter how hard Kyungwon tried to get rid of him. 

“He's… weird,” she finally says. 

Minkyung looks ready to disagree but she keeps her mouth shut even as she turns a smile on Yaebin. It is a mystery how he isn't weird even though Kyungwon wouldn't really use that as the quality that is wrong with him if she knew what adjective she was really thinking of. Younghoon has always been weird and even had a keen sadistic streak of inviting Kyungwon along on his dates with Minkyung. 

“Aren’t we all a little bit weird?” Yaebin asks as she scrunches up her empty crisp packet.

“That’s different,” Kyungwon says. She looks to Minkyung to see who she is going to choose to back up after remaining quiet for so long. 

“He probably has lots of other people to be weird with just like you have us,” Minkyung says with a soft smile. Yaebin scrunches up her face in response and Kyungwon looks away before she sees something as awful as Minkyung kissing her girlfriend. 

 

“It has been a while,” Siyeon says. Kyungwon wonders whether her imagination is filling in the gaps in the silence with Siyeon’s shallow breaths. 

Kyungwon thinks she has been doing a good job so far of pretending everything is fine. She has steered their messages towards safer subjects each time Siyeon has implied anything too close to affection and wanting to meet up. They shouldn’t meet again unless things can be less murky. But she isn’t entirely insensitive. She couldn’t ignore the plea to talk over the phone. Even if she is afraid of what the conversation would lead to she would regret rejecting Siyeon more. 

“Are you still there? Kyungwon?”

Kyungwon is still there, listening, counting the swells of sound which could be Siyeon’s exhalations as easily as the rushing of Kyungwon’s blood in her ears. Even though she has been lying for too long about how she feels with their situation she can’t deny how much she cares for Siyeon. She wants to let Siyeon rant until her chest is settled and she isn’t feeling as disillusioned as she was when she asked to call Kyungwon.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I feel strange,” Siyeon says. Kyungwon isn’t sure what it means and wonders whether she should head into Jonghyun’s room for assistance. She stays seated on her bed and closes the lid of her laptop. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you like me? What are we doing now?”

“You’re a really good friend.”

“You’re being different to how you used to be,” Siyeon says. The lisp is still there but there is something stern about her voice. No matter how small the questions should make her sound, hearing her talk is making Kyungwon shrink. 

“I’m in love with you. Just so you know,” Siyeon says. 

“You’re too young,” Kyungwon replies. “And we don’t know each other that well.”

Jonghyun isn’t in the room with her but Kyungwon thinks these are the things he would want her to say. 

“What do you mean too young?” Siyeon asks sharply. “I’m not too young. I know that I love you.”

“Of course we can be friends,” Kyungwon says. She doesn’t feel nearly as bold as she would like to. 

“I don’t want to be friends. I want to be your girlfriend.”

This mind-blankness and heightened heart rate are too much like panicking and Kyungwon doesn’t know what to say. Perhaps she doesn’t need to because Siyeon hasn’t finished yet. 

“Isn’t that what we have been building towards this whole time? It was relatively recently that you still spoke to me as though there were plans to follow through on all the times you told me that you loved me. Were you lying?”

Kyungwon is certain that she is panicking. She had meant everything that she said to Siyeon before. Up until she found out that Siyeon was still a student and there were a lifetime of mistakes and heartbreaks between them. It certainly changed things. And things are still changing now, Kyungwon thinks as she listens to Siyeon’s terse exhale. 

“I wasn't lying. But I don't think we should be too serious about things. You're still only in school.”

“So what? In a few months I won't be. In three months I will be the same as you.”

That isn't strictly true but she knows what Siyeon means. 

“We can still be friends. I would like it if we could be friends,” Kyungwon says softly. 

“Are you lying again? Are you going to tell me that I am too young even for that?” Siyeon retorts. 

Kyungwon wants to defend herself because she never lied but it is late and she doesn't want to argue with Siyeon when this is the first time they have been able to talk like this in far too long. 

When Kyungwon was Siyeon’s age, and younger still, Kyungwon needed all of the friends she could get. She never had that many and barely managed to keep ahold of Minkyung after a series of petty squabbles. She could have used someone who understood her and would listen to her complaints when it was late and she was tired and she wasn't sure she was even half as good as the potential her teachers claimed she had. 

Even if it isn't quite what Siyeon wants (Kyungwon too, if she is being entirely honest with herself) it is still something. It could be something that Siyeon will appreciate in several years when she compares her situation to others who don't even have a friend. But Kyungwon isn't going to bring up how pitiful she was just for the sake of trying to talk Siyeon down from her high horse. 

“We can still meet up and stuff. As friends,” Kyungwon says. Siyeon hesitates and Kyungwon takes the chance to add, “It will be good to talk about things properly. It could be helpful.”

“You really want to meet up again?” Siyeon asks. her voice is uncertain and has shed the stern tone it carried only moments ago. 

“Of course,” Kyungwon replies. She knows she suddenly sounds too eager after her attempts to put Siyeon off but she doesn’t want to lose Siyeon and she doesn’t want Siyeon to lose a friend at a time when she must need one the most. 

“Really? Alright. I need to check when I am free but that's good. I am looking forward to seeing you again.”

 

It feels like being secretive for no reason when Kyungwon meets up with Minkyung and Yaebin for drinks and doesn't mention her plans with Siyeon even once. Kyungwon can have other friends too it is a perfectly natural thing. Minkyung even asks how Kyungwon has been and whether anything interesting has happened since they last spoke. Siyeon is very interesting but even with the too sharp gleam from the alcohol making Kyungwon's thoughts rattle too loudly in her head it seems better not to mention her. 

Minkyung sighs and exchanges an odd look with Yaebin but Kyungwon would rather not think about that. Being soberly faced with the reality of her best friend thinking she is pathetic is one thing but a few drinks down it will be all Kyungwon can think about. She ignores it and takes her second sip. The piña colada is far too cheery a drink for how Kyungwon feels, especially with the fish tank beside their table casting the shadow of kaleidoscopic shimmers onto the back of her hand when she stays still. 

Minkyung loses her girlfriend's attention as Yaebin returns to tapping at the glass and cooing at the fish but she doesn't seem to mind and turns her own attention to her phone. All Kyungwon has is her drink. 

The sweetness of the coconut slips down too easily and Kyungwon soon needs another drink. She dithers around for a moment, aware that is would be polite to time this better and buy a round for all of them but it would also be polite for the others to not ignore her and leave her with nothing to do but drain her glass with a straw. She should have gone to the bar when she had the chance. Yaebin’s eyes are sharp as she looks at Kyungwon. Kyungwon waits without saying anything and Yaebin shuffles in her seat to look away from the fish tank. 

“So,” Yaebin says too forced to be conversational, “I was thinking that seeing as you're single it would be nice to set you up with someone.”

Kyungwon should definitely have gone to the bar to get another drink when the chance presented itself. She shouldn't have come here at all if she was going to be faced with a proposal like this. She looks to Minkyung for help but she is decidedly unperturbed as she taps away at her phone. 

“What do you mean?” Is all Kyungwon can manage. 

“Minkyung said that you've never been in a relationship before and you're apparently gay so it would be nice to go on double dates or something. Doesn't that sound nice? You can have a girlfriend of your own and have even more fun when we hang out together.”

Kyungwon doesn't really know what to say to that. Her throat feels dry but sipping her drink doesn't help (the glass is empty and she's just sucking up air which can't quench her sudden thirst at all). But Yaebin is still looking expectantly across the table so Kyungwon should say something. “Minkyung said this?”

“Only the first part about you being single your whole life,” Yaebin says with a smile. She's probably trying to be nice but Kyungwon decidedly doesn't like the way this sounds. Minkyung even glances up from her phone and offers a brief smile. Nice to know that Kyungwon being alone all her life is something Minkyung tells people for no reason at all. 

“What about me being ‘apparently gay’?”

Yaebin falters for a moment but she manages to smile again quickly. “Are you not? I just assumed you were because I get like a vibe off you.”

“No,” Kyungwon says because she doesn’t think she quite understands this herself. “I am. But I thought you knew.”

“We couldn’t be sure,” Minkyung says boredly. “Especially not with how you reacted when we told you that we were official.” That’s strange, Kyungwon thinks, because she thinks that being in love with Minkyung for almost as long as she has known her is quite gay. It is a small mercy that she wasn’t as obvious about that as she had thought. 

“Anyway it is great that you are,” Yaebin says. She really does look happy about it too, flipping her hair over her shoulder and leaning forwards in her seat. “You should go on a date with one of my friends. I think you’d have some fun and even if it doesn’t work out you’ll realise how good a time you can have if you put yourself out there.”

Kyungwon has only met Yaebin’s friends a few times and she isn’t sure that meeting any of them for a date would be a good idea. They’re pretty girls. Scarily so. Kyungwon wouldn't be able to get through a date with any of them. Even if she does vaguely hope that Yaebin is thinking of setting her up with Eunwoo, Kyungwon knows that she would make a horrible impression and wouldn't come close to having fun. 

“I don't know if that's a good idea,” Kyungwon says slowly. 

Yaebin’s face falls and Kyungwon wishes that she wasn't such a disappointment. She is sure that Yaebin has the best intentions but she can't go on a date. She is barely sure of whether she is even allowed to go on a date and she still knows that she would be boring and it would probably reflect poorly on Minkyung somehow too. 

“I spent a long time trying to convince Minkyung to let me ask you,” Yaebin says. 

“I told you not to bother,” Minkyung sighs. “She isn't interested in things like that. You're not a social person, are you, Kyungwon?”

“I'm not anti-social,” Kyungwon says. It sounds like a weak defence but Minkyung is looking at her with such certainty in her eyes that it almost seems like she'd be a disappointment if she said that she did want to go on the date. 

“It’s not like any of your friends are that desperate to go on a date with Kyungwon. It would be better not to put them through the hassle of getting ready for it and having her cancel on them anyway.”

Hearing something like that is enough for Kyungwon to think about things.

Getting a girlfriend would be nice. Kyungwon stirs her straw through the crushed ice at the bottom of her glass. Kyungwon has no doubts about how carelessly tactile she could be, not giving attention to anything other than the fact that she is so happy with a cute girl who smiles as they twine their hands together and giggles at the tickle of Kyungwon’s breath a she leans in to whisper how much she loves her. 

She wonders how Minkyung would like that, her friend no longer being unlucky and lonely. Maybe Kyungwon should go on that date and get herself a girlfriend. 

 

 

The friend Yaebin was keen to set Kyungwon up with (hopefully. For the past week she has worried that Yaebin has struggled to convince any of her friends at all to go on this date) is of course devastatingly beautiful and Kyungwon doesn’t feel that she has let herself down with struggling to string two words together. 

“You look really nice, Kyulkyung,” Kyungwon says. She manages not to ruin that after sitting at the bar and downing a few courage shots while she waited. Kyulkyung looks more than nice. She’s gorgeous; long dark hair swept over one shoulder and a little black dress which is more than Kyungwon thinks she can handle. She decides not to look too much. “I should buy you a drink.”

“Thank you,” Kyulkyung says cheerily. She sounds far more relaxed than Kyungwon could ever hope to be and she laughs loudly as she puts her bag on the bar and takes the bar stool beside Kyungwon’s. Her eyes linger on the bar as she picks up a menu and opens it. “Ah, did you start without me?”

Kyungwon looks down at the bar with her cluster of empty shot glasses. It doesn’t look great. “I was nervous.”

Kyulkyung laughs again and her hand falls to rest on Kyungwon’s knee. Her hand is warm and her eyes sparkle too clearly and Kyungwon can’t maintain eye contact for very long. Even looking away from Kyulkyung doesn’t remove the pressure of her hand on Kyungwon’s knee. 

“Why would you be nervous? We’ve spent time together before.”

It is true that Kyungwon and Kyulkyung have spent time together in the past, but that was with Yaebin acting as a buffer and carrying the flow of conversation. Yaebin and Kyulkyung and Eunwoo slot together so easily and whenever they’re at Minkyung’s flat none of them ever get told off by Nayoung like Kyungwon does. Things are different alone. Kyungwon doesn’t really know what to do or say on a date. They shouldn’t have come out for drinks like this at a slick bar where Kyulkyung would dress up and snatch the air right out of Kyungwon’s lungs. 

“This is a bit different though.”

“Are you still nervous?” Kyulkyung asks.

Kyungwon doesn’t answer immediately. The barmaid comes over to take their order and she smiles patiently while they decide what to get after she informs them that they’re selling two cocktails for one until nine o’clock. They decide on chambord royales and Kyungwon watches as the scarlet liqueur sits at the bottom of the flute glasses and doesn’t mix with the prosecco which is poured over it. Kyungwon pays and the barmaid leaves. It is impossible to miss the way the barmaid tries to catch Kyulkyung’s eyes as she removes the shot glasses from before. 

“I am.”

“Hm?”

“I am nervous,” Kyungwon says quietly. Kyulkyung’s eyes soften and she squeezes Kyungwon’s knee. “Does this feel like a date?” 

“Of course it feels like a date. I am all dressed up and out for drinks with a pretty girl. We should just try to have fun with things. Let’s just… talk.”

Talking sounds easy. Three shots weren’t the charm but half a cocktail later Kyungwon is listening to all of Kyulkyung’s episodes from work. It sounds as though the bowling alley is even more troublesome than the cinema. Kyulkyung laughs at all of Kyungwon’s mishaps and disagreements. It makes Kyungwon want to tell even more stories to make her laugh again and again. 

A few drinks later they decide to split a plate of potato wedges and Kyungwon manages to be relaxed and possibly even fun company right until she gets barbecue sauce on her chin. She doesn't even notice until Kyulkyung leans across to close the gap with a word exhaled on the tail end of a laugh (“Here,” she says as though she is doing Kyungwon a favour by coming dizzyingly close and looking over her with a concentrates gaze) and cradles Kyungwon's jaw with her hand. Her thumb swipes away the smear of sauce and she smiles at her handiwork. And then she is sitting back and reaching for another potato wedge and musing over the end of happy hour and the imminent closing of the kitchen. 

“Do you do this often?” Kyungwon finds herself asking. Kyulkyung tilts her head in a question but Kyungwon doesn't even know what she is asking herself. 

Kyulkyung is too good at talking, comfortably chatting about anything and being interested in every word from Kyungwon’s mouth. She is too good at closing distances which Kyungwon would bumble her way around maintaining, too good at making Kyungwon wonder whether this could be something. 

“Dating,” Kyungwon says. “You just seem good at this.”

Kyulkyung frowns momentarily and tucks her hair behind her ear as though that is enough to hide the plain discontent on her face. “I don’t do this often. Am I being weird?”

Things have suddenly taken a turn for the worst but Kyungwon can see how this is her fault for ruining things. She shouldn’t have said something when they were having a good time. She should have taken the moment for what it was and considered what it would be like to kiss at the end of their date. Even if she tries to correct herself now Kyungwon knows she has ruined things. The illumination will make going forward awkward and stilted so it should be closer to what Kyungwon knows the best. 

“You’re not being weird,” Kyungwon says, “but I am having such a good time with you and it is so much more comfortable than I thought it would be.”

“Isn’t…” Kyulkyung pauses and still looks to be debating whether she can or should say what she wants. “Having a good time doesn’t mean that either of us has dated lots. It is more that we are getting on well, that’s all.”

Kyungwon hadn’t thought that she would be able to get on well with Kyulkyung, at least not like this. It isn’t because she has anything against Kyulkyung (though that seems to be how Kyulkyung herself is viewing things as she shift uncomfortably and averts her eyes along the bar) but more that she hadn’t let herself imagine something as easy as this. 

She buys Kyulkyung another drink but things don’t improve much afterwards. When their date ends Kyungwon stands on the precipice of her desires - fingers itching with the desire to reach out her hand to enclose Kyulkyung’s, even just for a moment, and legs trembling at the prospect of being able to take that step closer and get closer to that kiss she had been speculating about earlier. But they don’t kiss and they don’t even link their hands for a moment. 

Kyulkyung thanks Kyungwon for the date and gets into her taxi. She spares a wave for Kyungwon before the taxi pulls away. Standing alone at the kerbside, Kyungwon supposes she should call a taxi for herself like she pretended she had earlier, only she can’t bring herself to swipe away the message notification on her screen from Siyeon. 

 

“I went on a date today,” Kyungwon says when she arrives home. She had promised Jonghyun that she would tell him all about the date but she isn’t sure she wants to talk about it yet, or if she can make enough sense of it to talk about it. She was quiet on her way through the living room and hoped that Moonbok was distracted enough by his phone call not to get nosy and come and see why she was skulking in so late. But talking to Siyeon now makes her wish she had put this off for a little bit longer. 

Siyeon’s reaction is flat and distant and it is nothing that Kyungwon doesn’t expect. “You went on a date? With a person?”

“Yes. A person.”

“Oh.” Siyeon exhales and there is a moment where it sounds like she is moving around. Kyungwon wonders what Siyeon is doing, whether she was getting ready for bed when Kyungwon called or if she has stayed up late for some reason. She is usually up at this time studying but Kyungwon wishes that Siyeon would be a more similar student to herself and prioritise sleep. Maybe Siyeon is sleeping now because she isn’t saying anything. 

“You probably don’t care about something like that but I was feeling guilty.”

“What did you feel guilty about?” Siyeon asked. Her voice arcs acutely over the phone line. She isn’t asleep at all. “If you were going to feel guilty shouldn’t you have done that before you went on a date if you thought there was anything wrong with it?”

Kyungwon doesn’t know what to say to that. She hadn’t really wanted to have this phone call in the first place and she thinks she should have stuck with her cowardice over the matter. But they’re talking now and Siyeon isn’t happy about things at all. 

“Sorry,” Kyungwon says. 

“Why would you tell me about it?” Siyeon asks. “Why would I want to hear about you going on dates with someone else?”

“I don’t know,” Kyungwon admits. She hadn’t thought Siyeon would want to know or like hearing about it at all but it seemed like something that Kyungwon shouldn’t hide. There is almost something between them and she doesn’t want to ruin things but she has made yet another mistake tonight. 

“You already know that I love you,” Siyeon says. “I don’t want to hear about the person I love going on dates with somebody else.”

It’s normal. Probably. Kyungwon doesn’t think that she’d much like hearing that the person she likes has been on dates with other people either. Siyeon, she thinks if she’s being honest. She dislikes the thought of Siyeon going on dates and growing closer to people in measurements closer to the heart. But there is some reason that Kyungwon needed to tell Siyeon even if she can’t quite determine why just yet. 

“Did you have fun?” Siyeon asks. “Did you enjoy your date?”

Aside from things getting awkward near the end it had been fun. Even with the fact that Kyungwon had upset Kyulkyung she is still happy that she could meet with someone and talk so freely. 

“I had fun,” Kyungwon confirms. 

“Are you going to see her again?” Siyeon asks.

“We have mutual friends,” Kyungwon says, feeling no less nervous about it all. “But probably not for another date.”

“Why not. Is she ugly or something?” Siyeon asks quickly. 

“No she’s really pretty. I just started saying weird things so I don’t think she’d be interested.”

Siyeon makes a pinched noise and Kyungwon doesn’t quite understand what that is supposed to mean until she hears, “How pretty is she?”

This seems like a dangerous question but Kyungwon is tired and this doesn’t seem to be the place where she should cease to be honest. “She’s really pretty.”

“You can’t see her again,” Siyeon says petulantly. Kyungwon wants to laugh at how small her voice is even when she is saying things like she has any authority. 

“I won’t,” Kyungwon says. She means to laugh but it sounds like a promise. There aren’t any promises Kyungwon should be making, especially not ones that sound like this. “It isn’t because of you though, Siyeon. There wouldn’t have been a second date anyway.”

“Good,” Siyeon says. “You’d better not go on any more dates before we meet up.”

“I don’t have any plans to.”

“I mean it. I will know if you go on anymore dates!”

Kyungwon can laugh this time. She isn’t hiding anything and Siyeon sounds like she is able to laugh on her end of the line too. Siyeon likely wouldn’t know a thing without being told. But having a threat like that levelled against her was nice in a way. It meant Siyeon didn’t hate her. 

“I’ll let you know if I do,” Kyungwon says just to hear the sound of frustration on the other end of the line. She sighs. “It’s late. You should go to sleep.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“You just told me what to do,” Kyungwon points out. “I’m going to sleep anyway. You’re a student so you should go to sleep sooner than me anyway.”

“I’ve done my exams,” Siyeon grumbles. “I can sleep whenever I feel like it. When I have graduated you won’t have any excuses to say things like that.”

“Alright,” Kyungwon laughs. “Don’t go to sleep now. I hope you have a horrible day because you’re tired.”

There’s the sound Kyungwon thinks she likes the most right as Siyeon says, “I hate you so much.”

 

Minkyung meets Kyungwon alone for once. She makes Kyungwon stand outside to greet her and even if Kyungwon needs to wear her coat as she waits she understands that Minkyung thinks Kyungwon’s housemates are all strange. 

“I don’t know how you can live with a bunch of guys like this,” Minkyung had said to her once. Her nose was wrinkled as she cast her gaze over Kyungwon as though she was carrying the presence of Taemin, Moonbok and Jonghyun with her. “You should look for somewhere else to live. Somewhere safer with girls.”

“It isn’t unsafe though, they’re all really nice,” Kyungwon said. She had pretended to be confused about it even though she had regretted moving in during her first week. She had felt like the odd one out and it was humiliating enough that one housemate knew too much about her pathetic feelings and another held a grudge over some chocolate. But it is true now. Her roommates are all really nice and even when they are screaming for no reason (Taemin is overly afraid of everything and Moonbok just likes to scream over him like it is a competition) it isn’t so bad. 

Minkyung arrives not too long after Kyungwon went outside but already Kyungwon is cold enough that her hug doesn’t have much of a presence. They go inside and Minkyung continuously casts her gaze around like she is expecting someone to pop out from the walls. Kyungwon ignores that and just asks what Minkyung would like to eat and drink. 

The question is pointless but it is what a good host would do even if Minkyung never eats anything after making Kyungwon set it out. Kyungwon takes the tray of snacks into her room and sets it between them on the floor.

“Your room’s not as messy as I thought it would be,” Minkyung says as she tips her head back against Kyungwon’s bed. 

“Is my room ever messy?”

“It always is,” Minkyung says. She laughs and tips her head towards Kyungwon with a vulpine smile. “But somehow whenever you were in my room you’d try to tidy things up.”

“Your room was always messier,” Kyungwon says. She hasn’t been in Minkyung’s current bedroom. There’s something different about it and Kyungwon doesn’t mind that things aren’t as easy as they had been when they were at school. It is a place that is likely off-limits for a very good reason and that’s Minkyung’s business. Yet Kyungwon has no choice but to let Minkyung into her room and she wonders whether she’d ever had any say in how much privacy she was allowed.

“I had to invite myself over because you wouldn’t be able to cancel on me this way,” Minkyung says. Kyungwon hadn’t even asked the question but it is nice to know why she had been given an hour’s notice of the visit. 

“I would have liked to meet up with you somewhere.”

Minkyung smiles. “No you wouldn’t. You would have been distracted and not bothered talking to me if you hadn’t bothered to cancel.”

“Did you just come here to start a fight with me?” It certainly seems that way and Minkyung’s shrug doesn’t make Kyungwon feel any better about the circumstances. 

“I just wanted to ask about your date. I sort of want to fight you for not cancelling on Yaebin’s friend when you have cancelled so many plans with me over the years.”

Minkyung looked apprehensive but she was expectant. It might be the lack of cunning in Minkyung’s face which get Kyungwon to talk. She doesn’t think she explains the date very well but Minkyung laughs after hearing how much Kyungwon had to drink and how easily she had slipped up and disrupted their good time. 

“That’s so typical of you,” Minkyung says. “You should have tried dating in high school. It would have been practice to stop you from being so bad at it now.”

Kyungwon wants to laugh as easily as Minkyung but she can’t. She has always wondered whether Minkyung knew that she was the person Kyungwon had liked but just like her cowardice back then it doesn’t feel like the right time to ask. 

“I’m proud of you,” Minkyung says. Her voice is soft and she reaches out for Kyungwon’s hand. “You’re usually so unreliable but I am glad that you put yourself out there and tried to get to know someone new.”

Kyungwon frowns. “It didn’t seem that way. When Yaebin was asking me about it you kept saying all sorts about how it was a waste to bother asking me.”

“It usually is a waste to ask you to do new things.” Minkyung clears her throat and squeezes Kyungwon’s hand and this almost feels like something Kyungwon had never been allowed up until now. “But you have changed. I should have expected that. You’re no longer living with your family and you’re doing all sorts of things that would have been impossible for you before.”

“I guess I had to. I can’t keep living the way I had all through school. I can’t let you grow up all alone.”

Minkyung laughs. It isn’t even funny but she laughs hard enough to collapse onto Kyungwon’s shoulder. It’s an infectious sound - sweet in the way that Kyungwon had shamelessly taken all her cues from it way back when and now even if things are far different now she still lets the sound consume her - Kyungwon ends up laughing too perhaps for the exact reason that she doesn’t know why. 

It isn’t until things stop being so funny (or unfunny, Kyungwon can’t tell the difference at this point) that somehow the embarrassment from the night before is treated like a wild anecdote that Minkyung insists on reenacting for the sake of her imagined youtube audience. Things get funnier and Kyungwon’s ribs ache when mishaps from their school days are volleyed between them. 

Remembering things this way, blunt objects to clobber each other into chagrin, make Kyungwon feel less pathetic. She’s a grown up now and even if she has made lots of silly mistakes Minkyung didn’t get to this point in life without having the wrong hairstyle, or doing too well or poorly in exams, or liking the wrong kinds of people. Even with those days behind them they still remember and wonder whether old classmates managed to forget. But they don’t talk about their fights. They only laugh until Moonbok knocks on the door to ask whether Kyungwon had been stealing his shampoo and Minkyung decides she has stayed for too long. 

 

Kyungwon feels less guilty about meeting up with Siyeon this time. She has been on a date with a whole other person and if she could do that so easily then there isn’t anything strange about being friends with Siyeon. Friends see each other all the time in all manner of circumstances so there’s nothing wrong with spending time together like this. Though sitting in the same cafe as before, she wonders how to be really convincing of the fact that this is not a date. 

This time, Siyeon is thankfully wearing ordinary clothes. Ordinary isn't quite the word because she is dressed like the collectors’ edition porcelain doll made in the image of the old woman who lives next-door to the house Kyungwon shares with Jonghyun, Moonbok and Taemin. That isn't to say that Siyeon looks anything like an old woman it is just that Kyungwon is sure that she has seen this outfit before, only on that occasion it looks less doll-like and more of an assault to Kyungwon's eyes. 

The (almost turtle-neck) dress is still very odd to look at; Kyungwon has identified orange, pink, yellow, and indigo as the colours which comprise the narrow stripes which feel staticky and sharp against her retinas, and the ruffles on either side of Siyeon’s bust are as superfluous as they are nonsensical; the brown, suede knee-high boots siyeon is wearing are beyond hope of salvaging the ensemble but Kyungwon takes particular offense to the fact that boots of this length exist with a heel-height below two inches; the accessories are just as unfortunate to regard as anything else because Siyeon starts off well with a simple pendant and a watch with an elegantly narrow strap, but she really loses it with the small yet hard power blue bag which had swung on the (gold, goodness, why?) chain over Siyeon’s shoulder when she arrived and clanked noisily throughout her apology for being late, and that isn't even mentioning the burgundy beret which is the ugliest and safest thing for Kyungwon to focus her attention on. 

So Siyeon is ostentatiously not wearing ordinary clothes, but at least she left her uniform at home for today. She slowly thumbs the handle of her coffee cup that she is yet to drink from. The gaze fixed on Kyungwon is something that Kyungwon wishes Siyeon had also left at home. Instead Kyungwon smiles uncomfortably and wonders whether it would be strange to order another drink eight minutes into their meeting. She is really quite thirsty and the viscous iced concoction of tropical fruits that she ordered is really delicious. 

A cursory search of the cafe for someone who might judge Kyungwon for drinking too fast is thankfully unsuccessful until her eyes land on Siyeon once more. Of course, Siyeon has all the reason in the world to judge, hideous crimes against fashion notwithstanding. Kyungwon smiles again and Siyeon does not (again). 

“You look nice today,” Kyungwon says (a lie). She feels her face twist in chagrin so she amends, “Your hair is very long and dark… and straight.”

“Thank you,” Siyeon says. She dips her gaze to watch her fingers tap against her coffee cup and adds, “I was nervous about seeing you again after last time. I was certain that you would not want to meet me again, especially when you’ve been inviting other people out, so having you invite me out again made me very happy.” It is very sweet and pride ignites in Kyungwon's chest at the prospect of making Siyeon very happy. The pride is nearly entirely extinguished when Siyeon goes on to say, “my friend kept making fun of how excited I was when we were picking out an outfit.”

That is ridiculous. No mention of the monstrosity Siyeon must have blindly fallen into had passed Kyungwon's lips. If anything this was the real trap. The date wasn’t a worry after all and it is the clothing situation that Kyungwon has needed to be wary of the whole time. Kyungwon had heard that she had made Siyeon very happy and now she must either make Siyeon very unhappy by telling the truth or (much more likely if Kyungwon is honest) lie to the poor girl. 

Not ready to make a decision just yet, Kyungwon throws caution to the wind and asks, “your friend helped you to pick out that outfit?”

Siyeon smiles then, teeth uniform in their sparkling whiteness as the soft pink of her lips parts timidly. “My friend has a different sense of style to me. All the clothes that she picked out were very boring. None of it suited me very well. I needed something a bit more swaggy baggy.”

Kyungwon is sort of sure of what she hears but the words don't match the perfectly pleased smile across the table from her. Kyungwon never knows what to expect when it comes to Siyeon. She takes a breath. It is entirely possible that Siyeon’s words are real and not some auditory hallucination brought on by the subliminally damaging dress that Siyeon is wearing. They have only been together in this cafe for eleven minutes and Kyungwon already feels more weary than she had the last time they met. 

Kyungwon tucks her hair behind her ear and says, “swaggy baggy?”

Siyeon nods, joyfully sombre as she confirms, “swaggy baggy.”

 

Jonghyun regards Kyungwon warily as she traipses into his room when she returns home from meeting Siyeon. She settles on the edge of his bed and on cue he pauses his game and turns to face her properly. 

“How was your meeting?”

“It went well,” Kyungwon replies, confident that she isn't the only one who thinks so. “Nothing awfully inappropriate happened. Aside from what she was wearing. It was awful, Jonghyun. I don't know how I managed to gets through the day without mentioning how awful she looked.”

Jonghyun frowns. “How awful did she look?”

Kyungwon doesn't think she can accurately describe how bad Siyeon looked. Any comment she has to make might seem too mean considering they are meant to be friends. It is true that she hasn't seen a worse outfit in her life but it wouldn't be nice to go into detail and let more people than those present know just how bad she looked.The decent thing seemed to be not giving too much detail. 

“She should read a fashion magazine or two,” Kyungwon shrugs. 

Jonghyun smiles. “You're friends so you could take a few next time you go to see her.”

Kyungwon isn't so sure about that because she could hardly claim to be the authority on fashion but the possibilities are opening up. This could all be okay. They could hang out and get to know each other and Kyungwon could be that figure of support that Siyeon probably needs. 

 

“How was the second date?” Siyeon asks as soon as Kyungwon answers the phone. She’s in bed and doesn’t even remember answering the phone. But she has answered now so she is in the conversation. But she isn’t sure what the conversation is.

“Second date?”

“Our second date,” Siyeon says impatiently. 

Things still aren’t any clearer. “Did we have a first date? Wait, no we aren’t dating anyway.”

“Kyungwon,” Siyeon says slowly, almost like she has to explain something very difficult to a small child, “going on two dates constitutes dating.”

“Okay?” Kyungwon says, feeling very much like an ignorant young child. “But we’re not.”

 

Kyungwon suspects that Siyeon isn’t really listening to what she is saying vis-a-vis the ‘dating’ thing. She won’t refer to it as a situation because there is nothing in situ which could be construed as any sort of romance. 

They talk online for hours every day and even when Kyungwon pretends to show concern for Siyeon messaging her during school hours and they tell each other that they love each other (as friends because that is what good friends should be able to do). Only things are different because Siyeon keeps hinting and Kyungwon can’t pretend ignorance so easily when they meet up in person. 

They have been to the same cafe as usual a few too many times and Kyungwon knows she has made a mistake when her suggestion to watch a film bring Siyeon into direct contact with Kyungwon’s colleagues who she sees too regularly for them to not form opinions about her. 

It is startling enough at the time that Kyungwon chokes and pays and walks away and ignores the looks Chanhee is giving her from across the counter. Admittedly Kyungwon has just let words pass her by and she hasn’t bothered to refute anything but she only realised the magnitude of her mistake when Siyeon chats happily and asks whether her girlfriend is a good employee and even as they’re walking to the auditorium to sit down Kyungwon can’t escape the situation she has landed in.

Kyungwon knows that the situation is a delicate one but she thinks it is better to address things while the trailers are still running instead of forgetting about things and letting ignorance run rampant between them. She tips her head closer to Siyeon and tries not to flinch away from the sweet smile which is right there being troublesome and gorgeous. Kyungwon hates this. They're just hanging out. 

“Hey, Siyeon.”

“Yeah?”

Siyeon is cheerily eating ice cream and maybe Kyungwon does love her in a very general way. 

“Maybe you shouldn't call me your girlfriend, like, especially in front of people. They might start to think things.”

“They might think that you're my girlfriend? What is wrong with that? I thought you said that you were out to most of your coworkers.”

“I am,” Kyungwon agrees quickly because she doesn't want Siyeon to think that she has done anything wrong, but the flippance in Siyeon’s tone is making her feel even more flustered. She should have known having a conversation like this wouldn't be easy. “We haven't even had a proper conversation about it yet.”

“Then what was all that about you telling me that you like me? Were you lying to me?”

Kyungwon can admit (to herself, not aloud) that she has told lots of lies but not about this. After all the false flits of maybes that she has pinned her particularly dense and numerous hopes on, Kyungwon would never allow someone else to do the same and have to watch them awkwardly struggle to recover from the tear that sends every hope they have ever had hurtling to the ground to shatter under their own velocity. She could never do that to Siyeon. 

“I do like you. It's just that three years is quite a while. It is a big gap between us.”

Siyeon frowns and continues digging into her sundae. It is going to be long finished by the time the film starts and Kyungwon suspects she will receive a request to buy another one at the most crucial point of the film. It is just a suspicion that she has, a small niggle at the back of her mind, but she won't be too bothered when the time comes. She already feels that she needs some air and a walk to burn off her excess jitters. 

“I'm not saying it's a bad thing,” Kyungwon says though it feels like a lie.

“Of course it isn't,” Siyeon says. She delicately shovels more ice cream into her mouth and adds, “to put things into perspective, when I'm one hundred you'll probably be dead.”

“I… ” Kyungwon doesn't quite think she understands. “I won't be one hundred and three? I'll be dead?”

“That's right,” Siyeon agrees.

“And you'll be one hundred? And you won't have died of a broken heart?”

Siyeon glances up from scraping melted ice cream from the sides of her plastic cup and smiles sunnily at Kyungwon. Even with a smear of fudge sauce at the corner of her mouth the brightness of the expression has Kyungwon wilting. What Siyeon proceeds to say doesn't exactly revive Kyungwon. “What sort of person do you take me for?”

“If I were one hundred and you were dead instead of ninety-seven I'd die of a broken heart.”

“That's so sweet of you,” Siyeon says. 

Thankfully Siyeon doesn't have the chance to go into further detail of how little she cares for Kyungwon because the auditorium quietens down as the trailers give way to the film rating and the masking around the screen adjusts to the appropriate aspect ratio. 

It isn't even ten minutes into the film that Siyeon says she is going to buy more ice cream. It isn't quite the same as her suspicion but Kyungwon offers to go in her place to use her discount card. 

Chanhee is pissing around with the paperwork when Kyungwon joins a queue but he waves her over when he looks up from pretending to be busy. He leans over the counter and says something vaguely dismissive to the customer who tries to approach him. Kyungwon tries a smile when she stands before Chanhee but he doesn't look at all happy. 

“If that girl is your girlfriend, why does Younghoon keep asking after you?”

The clauses of the question barely make sense independently, let alone combined like this. Kyungwon doesn't really understand. 

“I actually came out for some ice cream.” Kyungwon points at the Baskin Robbins dipping cabinet just in case Chanhee isn't aware how his hiding place and Kyungwon’s needs intersect. 

“Do I care?”

“Probably not,” Kyungwon says. 

“I am glad we both understand. So Younghoon. Explain.”

“He told me he is your roommate.”

“Thank you so much for telling me something I should already know. I really was beginning to wonder who it is that I live with. What would I have done without your knowledge?”

“Can you be less mean. Please?” Chanhee rolls his eyes at the request but he bites his tongue and that's enough for Kyungwon. “We went to school together. He dated my best friend. He was one of the only people I was sort of out to.”

“Ew,” Chanhee says. “Were you friends?”

Kyungwon wouldn't go that far. She'd liken them more to rivals even though Younghoon somehow won regardless of what desperate things Kyungwon did to appeal to Minkyung. It isn't really a rivalry when only one party has a chance. But there are many nuances to the situation that Chanhee likely doesn't want to understand. 

“Sort of,” she replies. 

“That's gross. Why would we have to share a friend like this?”

“Aren't we friends?” Kyungwon asks uncertainly. 

Chanhee doesn’t get to answer that question, or maybe he just doesn’t want to, and his sudden ignorance to Kyungwon’s existence has something to do with the fingers digging into Kyungwon’s ribs and the over-familiar cackling that follows. 

“Fancy seeing you here!” Yaebin says cheerfully as she ignores Kyungwon’s wincing. It isn’t that fanciful to see Kyungwon seeing as she works here.

“Are you working today?” Minkyung asks. 

“No, I’m just here for ice cream.”

“You came all the way to the cinema just for ice cream?” Yaebin asks. “But you look so nice, it would be a waste to just go home.”

“Would it?” Kyungwon says absently. She turns back to Chanhee, feeling desperate. “I’m here for some ice cream.”

“Why are you telling me? I’m not even serving,” Chanhee says, sounding far more irritated than he needs to. It is fine that he is trying to escape so easily and leave Kyungwon to fend for herself but she won’t let him leave her just like that. 

“Chanhee this is your roommate Younghoon’s ex Minkyung.”

“I don’t want to know something like that,” Chanhee says. But he doesn’t leave.

“That’s… a strange thing to say,” Minkyung says. She briefly greets Chanhee but doesn’t engage too much with him as expected. “We were trying to text you about getting tickets.” Chanhee snorts but Minkyung doesn’t even glance up to acknowledge his input. “I guess seeing as you’re here now you’d be able to sort us out.”

“She can’t give you free tickets unless you’re with her or she is on shift,” Chanhee says, suddenly unable to mind his own business - not that Kyungwon isn’t very grateful for that.

Minkyung purses her lips but doesn’t pay Chanhee much more attention than that. “Of course it would be nice for you to come and watch a film with us. Afterwards we could go out for drinks.”

“Yeah let’s hang out!” Yaebin chimes in. She turns cheeky as she adds, “I could finally hear your side of the story with that date.”

This sounds like a horrible idea. Kyungwon can only shake her head and it isn’t until Chanhee prods her in the spine and too many words try to come out of her mouth at once. She tries again, still too congested in the back of her throat, and manages to say, “actually I am already watching a film with someone.”

Minkyung looks from Kyungwon to Chanhee and asks, “Younghoon?”

“No, never! I wouldn’t do something like that it’s weird. I’m just with a friend already. She’s waiting for me to come back with her ice cream.”

Chanhee develops a temporarily odd cough where each expulsion of air from his lungs sounds uncannily like the word ‘girlfriend’ and Kyungwon wonders what she could possibly have done to deserve all this. Whatever she did can’t possibly have been bad enough to earn Yaebin’s keen, “maybe we could join you and make it a double-date!” 

Kyungwon wants to apologise from the bottom of her heart to the universe for whatever wrongs she has committed but that good will means nothing to the universe and Kyungwon is somehow leading the way back to the auditorium where Siyeon is waiting. 

At first things are fine because Siyeon is inspecting her sundae and she doesn’t quite notice until she turns to Kyungwon to grumble, “this isn’t the same as what I had before.” She stops short and after leaning around Kyungwon and locking eyes with Yaebin and Minkyung hisses, “who are they?”

“Just some friends,” Kyungwon says quickly. “Let’s watch the film quietly now.”

Kyungwon isn’t particularly glad of putting things off until the end of the film. She doesn’t have any defence from everything toppling upon her head at once. The credits roll and the auditorium is doused with light and Siyeon is clutching a cup of melted ice cream with a carefully closed expression on her face. 

“So you’re friends with Kyungwon?” Yaebin says as she stands. 

Siyeon’s eyes flash dangerously at Kyungwon before she turns a bright and perfectly polite smile on Yaebin. “That’s currently up for debate. I’m Siyeon, it is lovely to meet you.”

“You’re so funny,” Yaebin says instead of laughing. “I’m Yaebin and this is Minkyung.”

“You’re brash for someone your age,” Minkyung says. 

“Not really,” Siyeon says. 

Things don’t really improve much from there but Kyungwon is glad of the excuse Siyeon eventually comes up with to get Kyungwon to take her home. They get a taxi after some unneeded small-talk and Kyungwon walks her to the front door. 

Siyeon is smiling up at Kyungwon and things don’t seem completely awful. But then Siyeon can’t hold her smile for much longer and she sighs. “Can I stop pretending to be happy now?”

“I am so sorry, Siyeon. I didn’t know they were going to be there and all of a sudden someone thought it would be a good idea for them to join us. Everything was just so weird.”

Siyeon shakes her head. “Those are your friends. They know so much about you.”

“I’ve known Minkyung since high-school. Yaebin just appeared one day to make her realise they were destined to be or something.”

Siyeon doesn’t even flicker towards another smile. “You haven’t told them about me.”

Kyungwon hasn’t told them about Siyeon. She doesn’t know how on earth she would approach that. Minkyung didn’t even hold back about pointing out Siyeon’s age and Kyungwon thinks the only reason she didn’t reel off more questions was because Siyeon is young. The harder questions are waiting for Kyungwon the next time she sees Minkyung, she is certain of that. 

“What do you want me to tell them?” Kyungwon asks.

Siyeon’s brows furrow and she kicks her heel against the floor a few times before she looks Kyungwon in the face. “Is that a question you should be asking me? Don’t you know how I feel? Don’t you know how you feel?”

Kyungwon does know how she feels. She is incredibly fond of Siyeon but she knows enough to be afraid that those feelings aren’t enough. 

“Do you just not like me?” Siyeon asks.

“You’re still in school,” Kyungwon blurts out. “How am I supposed to tell people about you when you’ll just go around telling people you’re my girlfriend?”

Siyeon doesn’t come back with her typically expected response about how close she is to graduating. Instead she says, “You don’t have to worry about that anymore. Goodbye, Kyungwon. Thanks for bringing me home.”

The seconds it takes Siyeon to go inside are just long enough for Kyungwon to realise how dangerous finality like this is when they haven’t properly discussed anything. Kyungwon can only go home and hope that her messages will eventually be read. 

 

Being surprised after work is the only way for Kyungwon to bump into Minkyung and Yaebin. That’s the nice way of putting things seeing as they definitely ambushed Kyungwon as they linked arms with her the second she walked out of the employee area. 

“What’s happening?” Kyungwon asks, not feeling particularly settled upon realising who has apprehended her. 

“We’re taking you out for dinner,” Yaebin says cheerily as she drags Kyungwon away from neutral safety. 

Dinner is less about eating and more about downing pitchers of cocktails. Yaebin is committed to that as she stares blearily-eyed at Kyungwon. “I think you were on a date the other day.”

“Obviously. We know you were on a date the other day,” Minkyung rolls her eyes. 

“A date? I don’t know about that.”

“You should have said something instead of letting us interfere like that,” Minkyung mutters as she sips through her straw. She pauses for a moment and takes Kyungwon’s silence as a reason to level a glare at her. “It’s your own fault. It would have cost you nothing to tell us to leave you alone. We all could have avoided so many difficulties that day.”

Kyungwon groans and drops her head onto the table.

“Is she dead?” Yaebin asks loudly. 

“She isn’t dead,” Minkyung grumbles. “She’d be much quieter if she was. I don’t like your friend.”

Kyungwon tips her head to the side and peers up at Minkyung through her hair. “Siyeon or Chanhee.”

“That Chanhee guy too. What do I care for Younghoon and the company he keeps these days?”

“He’s nice. You were too rude to him. Siyeon too. She wasn’t happy when I took her home.”

“What’s wrong, did she give you attitude too?”

“No,” Kyungwon grouses. “She wasn’t giving you attitude either. You were just looking for a fight for some reason.”

“How so?” Minkyung asks. 

“You just went ahead and said something weird,” Kyungwon says as she sits up. She isn't very good at pretending that her mouth isn't full of her hair. “She must already know how she comes across and you just have to see that she was being polite.”

“Apparently whether you’re even friends or not isn’t certain so why does it matter so much to you now?” Minkyung blusters as she busies herself comparing the four pitchers on the table. She decides on one and pours it into her already half-full glass. 

Kyungwon hasn’t had anything to drink yet, her mouth decidedly dry as Yaebin guzzled down an entire pitcher of Sex on the Beach and Minkyung sipped more conservatively at her own drinks, but her brain still feels oddly fuzzy. The static uncertainty was knocked into Kyungwon’s head by Minkyung’s words but she isn’t even sure what to make of them. 

“Are you saying you were trying to defend me or something?”

“She was being strange about my friend. How can she say things like that when you’re so sensitive?”

“I’m sensitive?” Kungwon asks. 

“You’re a baby, Kyungwon,” Yaebin says solemnly before cracking into giggles. “A sensitive baby.”

Minkyung doesn’t refute that and Kyungwon wonders how long they have shared this opinion of her. Minkyung shrugs and says, “You’ve never been good at making friends of any kind. I can’t be happy about you spending time with someone who can’t call you their friend clearly. You deserve better than that no matter how annoying you are.”

It is strange that Minkyung would say something like that, in part because Minkyung has never been so vocal in her affection for Kyungwon in recent years, but also because Kyungwon hadn’t considered that anyone would take her side in this matter at all. Kyungwon’s side is rickety at best and she has nothing more than a flimsy defence for how inconsistent she has been all along. Yet Minkyung is talking as though Kyungwon has a reason to be like this. It is almost nice aside from how she realises how inconsiderate she has been herself. 

“Siyeon is a nice girl. She was only like that because we’d disagreed before you arrived,” Kyungwon says. 

“What did you fight about?” Yaebin asks as she leans closer. 

“It wasn’t a fight,” Kyungwon mumbles. It can’t have been a fight because Kyungwon wouldn’t have been so horrifically outmatched otherwise. “We just… She keeps telling people she’s my girlfriend.”

“What and that had offended your player status?” Minkyung asks. At least Yaebin finds it funny. 

“No. I’m only talking to her like this.”

“Obviously” Minkyung says.

“But you went on a date with Kyulkyung, remember?” Yaebin offers. 

“I sort of had to go though, didn’t I?” Kyungwon reasons. “You had all these nice intentions about helping me and I couldn’t just throw that back in your face for no reason.”

That isn’t exactly a fair explanation either. Siyeon isn’t no reason but she has become an existence that Kyungwon is finding increasingly difficult to explain. She loves Siyeon and she wants to be able to spend more time with her and just enjoy where they are and what they’re doing instead of worrying about having to define everything. 

“I really like Siyeon,” Kyungwon says. “But I think we’re at different points in our lives.”

“Where do you think you are?” Minkyung snorts. 

“I know I’m not like a proper adult with a plan and a career path or anything but I’m obviously in a different place to Siyeon,” Kyungwon grumbles, feeling far too much like the sensitive baby she has been branded as. “She’s graduating in a couple of months and then she’s going to university. I never asked about it because I don’t want her to think what she wants to do matters to me too much. She can do whatever she likes, I won’t try to influence her, but I’m also glad that she’s staying in the city. It will be easy to meet that way, you know?”

“Kyungwon,” Minkyung says as she takes her straw out of her glass and sticks it right into the pitcher closest to her. “Can you hear yourself?”

The music playing is barely audible over the chatter of people at tables in the gastropub and the three of them are sitting in a relatively quiet corner at the back. There is nothing preventing Kyungwon from hearing herself so she isn’t quite sure what Minkyung means. Her lack of comprehension must show on her face because Yaebin and Minkyung laugh. 

“Have you ever talked about things with her?”

“No,” Kyungwon admits. “It feels weird to bring things up when we’re together and when we text it is easy to get side-tracked.”

“I am going to give you some homework,” Minkyung says. Kyungwon wishes she could hate her for how proudly she is sitting there as though she knows so much more than anyone else. But Minkyung is in an actual relationship and Kyungwon is the one struggling with knowing where she is supposed to be.

“What do you mean by homework?”

“I want you to meet up with Siyeon and actually talk to each other. I want you to reach a decision with what you’re doing.”

It is strange as homework goes but just like homework from Kyungwon’s school days she isn’t sure whether she’d be able to complete it well or not.

 

Kyungwon doesn’t tell Siyeon that they’re meeting up again for homework purposes. She doesn’t think that would go down very well and she’s mostly glad of the excuse to invite Siyeon out to try to make things up to her. She is sort of expecting a refusal but Siyeon seems receptive to the idea over texts and when it is brought up in a phone call she even sounds enthusiastic about it. Maybe she is too enthusiastic because she is already waiting outside the cafe when Kyungwon arrives. 

“How long have you waited?” Kyungwon asks. Siyeon’s nose and cheeks are red and she should have worn a thicker coat considering the chill hasn’t yet thawed from the air. 

“Not long,” Siyeon replies. It isn’t the answer Kyungwon wants to hear but she doesn’t say anything about that. It isn’t until they’re inside and ordering their drinks to go that Kyungwon wonders whether even moments like this are part of her homework. Kyungwon probably leaves too much unquestioned and accepts things for what they are even if she’d like to know more. 

Siyeon sucks her iced fruit tea through her straw as they leave the cafe and makes a face. 

“I asked if you wanted a hot drink,” Kyungwon says, feeling she has an excuse to be smug for once. Siyeon pulls another face and Kyungwon can’t help but laugh as she offers her hot chocolate for Siyeon to hold in her ungloved hands. 

“Are we getting food too?” Siyeon asks. Her fingers are bright pink and stiff as they hold the hot chocolate. She’s too good at pretending that she isn’t bothered by things. Kyungwon tried to be natural about taking off her gloves and passing them to Siyeon too. Siyeon doesn’t thank Kyungwon but at least she doesn’t refuse them as they walk down the street. 

“If you want. I was going to try and cook something but it might be nice to just buy something.”

“Did you have any special plans or prepare things already?” Siyeon asks. She’s even cute when she’s asking questions so brusquely like this. Kyungwon shakes her head. “You can cook for me next time.”

It is encouraging that Siyeon has mentioned a next time so she feels better about things when she’s sitting on the bus home beside Siyeon with a pizza box on her lap. She heads off Moonbok with a text before she arrives home with the warning that he is not to barge into her room and ask for any pizza but it is Taemin who shuffles through Kyungwon’s door and makes Siyeon’s eyes widen in alarm. Taemin flinches but he doesn’t retreat immediately. 

“I thought you were supposed to be at work,” Kyungwon says as she approaches the door to close it. 

“I swapped my shift. Why are you having pizza without me?” Taemin asks limply. 

“I’m not having pizza without you,” Kyungwon says, “I’m having pizza with my friend. It’s different. Go and bother Moonbok, please.”

“First you steal my chocolate and now you’re denying me pizza,” Taemin says sadly. Kyungwon manages to shoo him away and close the door. And then she’s alone with Siyeon and there’s nothing to do but talk.

Siyeon is very careful as she slides a slice of pizza onto a plate and lifts it up again to take a careful bite. She chews her mouthful and swallows it before she decides to start. 

“Do you like me the way I like you?” She raises her hand when Kyungwon opens her mouth to speak and continues. “It is easy enough to parrot something back and claim that you love them no matter how untrue it is. I just want to know honestly what this is to you and why our viewpoints differ.”

Kyungwon’s throat feels tight like the hand Siyeon had held between them had closed around her neck. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to stomach any pizza so she doesn’t bother with it as she sits beside Siyeon on the floor in her bedroom.

“It’s hard to say. Feelings are too difficult to accurately describe but I think we almost match. I do like you so much. It’s just that you’re young and you don’t know everything that’s out there. When you say you love me it is a bit scary. There are far better people than me out there and you’ll go off and love them and consider me a mistake.”

Kyungwon isn’t even certain if she has been able to put her thoughts clearly but they sound much more organised as they stem from her mouth than they ever had when she had held them all inside. 

“So what,” Siyeon says. “I’m not interested in any of those other ‘better’ people now. Even if one day I am interested in someone else who is to say you won’t have found someone who is a better match too?”

Kyungwon is back to consistency with her thoughts and the sounds coming from her mouth because the sound she makes is closer to the irritable humming of a gnat than anything remotely human. 

“You’ve been in love with a friend who hasn’t even glanced at you once in your whole life,” Siyeon says. “You’re not in any place to tell me that I don’t have enough knowledge or experience to be certain about how I feel. You can’t throw stones like that when we live in the same glass house.”

Siyeon makes everything sound so rational and Kyungwon hates how easily swayed she is by that already. “Things are different when you’re in school. You don’t know what’s going to happen in future.”

“But I do,” Siyeon says firmly. “I know that I am about to leave school. And I know that even after that you’re going to invent even flimsier excuses to not be honest with either of us until you decide that this whole thing has been a mistake.”

“I won’t.”

“You don’t know what’s going to happen in future,” Siyeon says lightly. “But I do.”

“How can you say something like that,” Kyungwon asks. “How can you even think saying something like that means anything.”

“I’m only spouting the same nonsense you are” Siyeon says. “But I really do know about the future. I know you’re going to keep hesitating and holding back whatever your true feelings are. And I know that it doesn’t matter so much if one day we fall out of love. You’ve never loved anyone properly before and neither have I. Why would we start off with forever if we haven’t even established small things. Like whether you like me or not?”

“I do like you,” Kyungwon groans. “I love you. I really do. I want to make you happy instead of making you feel… however I have been making you feel until now.”

“Awful,” Siyeon says. “You’ve been making me feel upset and insecure and confused and sometimes when we have a weird conversation and you leave it too long before speaking any sense I feel downright miserable.”

Kyungwon feels like crying. But she doesn’t think she really has a reason to cry when she is the one who has been making Siyeon feel like this all along. “What am I supposed to do, Siyeon? I’m stupid so I never speak any sense.”

“That’s true,” Siyeon agrees, “But there’s nothing wrong with saying stupid things. As long as you aren’t telling me how I am allowed to feel you can say as many stupid things as you want.”

“I don’t even know how I’m allowed to feel because I am stupid.” It was too late for Kyungwon to try to stop herself crying as soon as she realised it was coming and now her nose feels too stuffed while her eyes are hot and tears are streaming down her cheeks. But Siyeon sees reason in all of that to laugh. 

“You’re allowed to feel anything you want,” Siyeon says. When Kyungwon doesn’t stop crying she adds, “You can feel frustrated or angry. You could even hate me for making you cry-”

“You didn’t make me cry I think I made me cry.”

“-Or you could love me, or you could feel like you don’t want to be with me.”

That’s not right. 

Kyungwon scrubs at her face and blinks away the fresh tears as she sees hesitance resting comfortably on Siyeon’s face. “Have you ever felt like that?”

Kyungwon is glad that she doesn’t need to clarify because not a second passes before Siyeon shakes her head. “Never. But I won’t guarantee it won’t happen in the future. And that’s how I am guessing you have been feeling even when you say much sweeter things to me than that.”

Kyungwon doesn’t even think she has been doing anything right all day, and she knows for certain that she hasn’t been doing anything right in all the days up until now. She knows that Siyeon has deserved better - honesty and at least something positive in all that - but she has been going about everything the wrong way. It shouldn’t have taken hearing things like this to realise how mixed her words and actions have been.

“That’s not how I feel either. Everything I said about how I feel is true. Everything from before is still true. I love you.”

“But you’ve been pushing me away and you even went on a date with someone else.”

Kyungwon grasps Siyeon’s hand tightly. Siyeon exhales shakily and even as she fails to hold back the shattered shine of her eyes she squeezes back just as tightly. 

“I’m sorry,” Kyungwon says. “I didn’t want to hide things from you.”

“How come that’s all you’ve been able to be honest about?”

“I was sort of thinking you’d get sick of me and find someone better for you.”

“I don’t want to find that person now. I want you to make me happy.”

It feels something like a lie that Kyungwon wants to make true when she says, “I will make you happy.” 

 

Kyungwon has been wondering why Jonghyun has been giving her such strange looks lately. She had assumed it was something to do with Siyeon, especially after she stopped barging into his room to provide updates he neither wanted nor needed in his life. But Jonghyun has been giving Kyungwon these strange looks at work too so his chronic consternation isn’t anything to do with the withering looks Siyeon had given him, Moonbok, and Taemin as she introduced herself as Kyungwon’s girlfriend each of the times she has been to the house. 

Things begin to make sense when she is called into the office at work along with Chanhee and things only settle into a bigger picture when the pair of them are dismissed from the office. 

Chanhee pinches Kyungwon’s arm once the door has been locked behind them. 

“Ouch,” She whines. That hurt a lot and she suspects she’ll have a nasty bruise by the time her shift is over. “What was that for.”

“I was just checking we weren’t dreaming.”

“Why didn’t you pinch yourself? And why would we be having the same dream?”

“I don’t know,” Chanhee shrugs. “I’d be having a nightmare if we were. Unfortunately for me they think I am at the same level as someone who barely knows how to do their job.”

“Are you talking about me?” Kyungwon asks. 

“Was anyone else offered supervisor training just now?”

“No,” Kyungwon says, feeling far more injured knowing that Chanhee has such a low opinion of her efficacy. “It was just us.”

“From this day on you’re my sworn nemesis,” Chanhee says far too seriously. “If you beat me in the interview I really will quit then and there.”

“If I’m so bad at my job you’ll have nothing to worry about, will you?” Kyungwon says in as tough a voice as she can manage. She will admit that she doesn’t sound very touch at all but she already wants to make Chanhee’s victory a tough one.

People trust her now and Kyungwon isn’t going to throw that away. Despite having achieved nothing in particular she texts Siyeon to see if she’s equally as pleased. It is more surprising to Kyungwon afterwards that she hadn’t expected the reply, ‘If you don’t beat him and get the job you can consider yourself single.’

 

**Author's Note:**

> i have been writing this for my whole life (well a year and a week apparently) and i finally finished this demon


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